I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
