I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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