While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
