I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
