I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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