the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
