I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
