I just threw up on my dentist
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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