so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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