i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
