this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
