I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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