MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
