we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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