fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
