I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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