batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
