i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
