That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
