This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
