If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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