remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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