I can tuck mytits in my pants
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
