just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
