it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
