Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I could fuck to npr.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
