I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
