I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
