The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
