there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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