i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
