so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
