ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
