I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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