I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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