I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
