I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
