why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
