you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
