Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
