fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
