Sponge bath it is.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
