There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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