i think my tv is drunk
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
