do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
