Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
