All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
