I can tuck mytits in my pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
