By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
