I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
