escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
