the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
