We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
