I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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