He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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