and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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