a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
