this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
